What Grieving Animals Can Teach Us

I was telling a neighbor the other day about my experience with a baby bird that died before my eyes. I heard something hit my window hard, and when I looked outside, I saw a baby robin lying in the shrub just underneath the window, where he landed after he hit. In the time it took me to wonder what I could possibly do for him (take him to a vet? an animal hospital?), I saw him make his last three chirps, and then he lay still.

The mother robin was nearby, squawking for her baby. She couldn’t figure out what happened to him, because she hadn’t seen, and couldn’t see him in the bush. I figured if I laid him out on the ground so she could see him, she would understand that he was gone and stop looking. So I did that, but she just kept squawking.

It was hot out, and even though it didn’t make sense, I eventually moved him into the shade, but still in plain sight of the mother robin so she could see her baby. I wanted so much to somehow let her know that her baby wasn’t coming back. I was doing yard work outside for hours after this happened, but even later in the day I could hear the mother’s high-pitched cries, looking for her baby. It was heart-wrenching.

Finally when the flies started descending on the baby bird, I figured that was enough. The poor little guy didn’t have a long life, but I wasn’t going to let him lose his dignity in death. I put him to rest somewhere where he would not be food for the rest of the food chain. They could find their meal elsewhere, but not him, not today.

I tried not to think about that poor mother robin, forever wondering what happened to her baby that she will never find, and what that must be like. I wonder if robins have been given the gift of a short memory so that she will move on with her life and forget him. Or will she always wonder, for the rest of her brief life, what happened to her baby who simply disappeared one day?

This incident made me think of something I witnessed many years earlier driving to work one day that also struck me. I happened to drive by a squirrel acting agitated in the road. As I slowed down, I could see he kept running out to another squirrel in the middle of the road that wasn’t moving, and presumably dead. Every time a car would go by, the squirrel would run back to the safety of the grass, but after the car passed, he would run back out into the road again to be with the other squirrel. He was probably wondering why she wouldn’t get up and move to safety, not realizing that it was too late for her.

And then of course I had to read this story about the grieving dog that wouldn’t leave its dead companion for 14 hours after she was struck and killed by a car.

I think it’s sadder when animals lose someone they love, because they don’t really understand what happened and why their companion is gone. They grieve, I’m sure of it. But they don’t understand. At least we humans have the benefit of understanding that when someone we love dies, they aren’t coming back, but other than that, we don’t necessarily understand much more than the animals do.

For anyone, animal or human, it’s hard to understand how someone could be there one minute, and gone the next, just like the baby bird. One second he’s flying free, following his mama, and the next he’s broken his neck because he took a bad turn into a window.

It made me think of how life can change in an instant for anyone. It is a good reminder to cherish the ones you love and the moments you have with them because you never know how long those people or those moments will be in your life. And you never know what strange twist of fate awaits anyone, including yourself.

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Potato, Potahto, Tomato, Tomahto, It’s Okay to Believe Different Things

Yesterday I posted my personal beliefs which include reincarnation and that as souls, we choose our lives before we incarnate. I did not pull these out of thin air, so I decided I would share some of the basis for my beliefs.

But before I do that, let me first say that I am only presenting these as one possible theory of how life works. If it resonates with you and you want to believe it, great. If it sounds wacky to you and doesn’t sound right, then leave it alone; it’s not for you.

If you have ever been to a Unitarian Universalist Fellowship service, you learn a lot about being tolerant of others’ beliefs. There is no one belief system among UUs. You could be sitting next to a Buddhist, a Pagan, a former Catholic, a Presbyterian looking for something different, or an agnostic. You just never know.

Although I liked the basic message of tolerance to people of different faiths, belief systems and lifestyles, the services were a little too generic for me. I found that the trick was to take from the service what worked for me, and leave the rest for someone else. I eventually left the Fellowship because, as I said to one of the pastors, there just wasn’t enough God in it for me. And so I choose to commune with our Creator in my own way.

I don’t try to persuade other people to my point of view, because I know it’s not for everyone, and for most people, it’s a little “out there.” Everyone is free to believe what they want to believe. Like the UU church, you take what works for you and leave the rest for someone else.

The beliefs that I’ve developed as I’ve read more and more books on spirituality make sense…for me. They won’t make sense for everyone. You have to find what resonates for you, and believe what works for you.

At the same time, be understanding and compassionate and tolerant of others’ beliefs. Even though we are all connected, we are operating on different wavelengths. Someone will vibrate at one frequency, while someone else will vibrate at another. That’s all it is. We don’t have to be the same, think the same, or believe the same. It’s the differences that make us great. We need that contrast to thrive, to create, to know what we want and want we don’t for our own lives, which should be our main concern, not what someone else thinks or believes.

And so with that…if soul development, life between lives, and reincarnation interest you, or if you’re merely curious, I highly recommend these very readable books:

Many Lives, Many Masters by Dr. Brian Weiss

http://www.amazon.com/Many-Lives-Masters-Prominent-Psychiatrist/dp/0671657860

Same Soul, Many Bodies by Dr. Brian Weiss

http://www.amazon.com/Same-Soul-Many-Bodies-Progression/dp/0743264347/ref=pd_sim_b_2

Journey of Souls: Case Studies of Life Between Lives by Dr. Michael Newton

http://www.amazon.com/Journey-Souls-Studies-Between-Lives/dp/1567184855/ref=pd_sim_b_4

Memories of the Afterlife: Life Between Life Stories of Personal Transformation by Dr. Michael Newton

http://www.amazon.com/Memories-Afterlife-Between-Personal-Transformation/dp/0738715271/ref=pd_sim_b_5

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Life Events Are of Our Own Making

A friend was telling me that his daughter was having trouble adjusting to his divorce from his wife. I got the impression she was suffering from “poor me” syndrome and feeling sorry for herself and her lot in life.

When bad things happen, it’s very easy to feel like the world is out to get us, or that we are the recipient of bad karma, or a vengeful God is punishing us, but it’s not like that at all. The things that happen to us are, in one way or another, all of our own making. We might be causing certain experiences to materialize into our lives by the vibration we are putting out into the Universe, or we may be ignoring signs that are telling us to go in a different direction or, like in this case, we are simply following the life plan we set out for ourselves before we incarnated.

We choose when and where we incarnate, who our parents will be, what our major life lessons will be, and our major life-changing experiences, such as divorce. I have no doubt that her parents were meant to get divorced, and that she chose the experience as part of her life plan, to prepare her for something in her future. If she could only see it this way, she might be more accepting of the situation. It’s hard to be mad at the world or at the Universe when you realize you caused your own circumstances, and that you did it for a reason. How can we be mad at our Higher Selves? As I told him, it kind of takes the wind out of our angry sails when we realize we did this to ourselves.

I have read accounts of people who, under hypnosis, recalled a specific event such as a horrific accident that happened in a past life, and why they chose that event to occur. One person chose to be severely injured in an accident as a child so that she had to use a wheelchair for the rest of her life, because she wanted to learn to be humble and have to rely on others.

When we look back on “bad” things that have happened to us, there is always a silver lining of some kind (unless we simply refuse to see or acknowledge it). That is why we should hesitate before calling an experience “bad,” because you never know what good can come out of it. I’ve known people who got out of bad marriages only to find the love of their lives. While divorce may be considered a “bad” thing to have to go through (it ain’t easy), if the end result is finding a better, more fulfilling relationship, does that still make the divorce a “bad” thing?

I left my job because I felt conditions there were “bad.” But now I work for myself, doing the work I want to do, and I’m very happy. So was it really a “bad” experience if something better ultimately came out of it?

Sometimes we lead ourselves to better circumstances, and sometimes we are pushed out of our present circumstances in a way that leads us to better circumstances. The second way is harder, but equally, if not more, effective. Instead of condemning the process, we need to learn to accept it, and eventually embrace it.

If we can focus on what we gain out of “bad” experiences instead of focusing on the pain of the bad experience, we will be more accepting of the change, heal faster, and move forward more readily toward what we really want.

Because if we really wanted and were thriving in the “bad” circumstances, we’d still be there, wouldn’t we?

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Areas of Consistent Failure

This phrase has been knocking around in my head a lot lately. I’m guessing most of us have areas of consistent failure; things we struggle with on a daily or regular basis.

It might be our weight; our inability to trust or to let someone in; a struggle with our religious beliefs, where what we feel intuitively is inconsistent with what we are told; an ongoing issue we can’t let go of with our spouse or significant other; a grudge we can’t dismiss; the inability to commit to something or someone; or the inability to forgive ourselves or someone else.

And so we might feel like we’re constantly failing. How do we reconcile these areas of consistent failure? How do we live with ourselves when we feel like we are constantly letting ourselves down?

We are human. “Failure” is inevitable. If we can learn to think of it not as “failure” but as an opportunity to learn and do better, we would be doing ourselves a great service.

What I do know is that we need to find new ways of doing things – and not berate ourselves for not doing better. That only makes us feel bad about ourselves. We need, instead, to think about feeling GOOD, and let THAT be our motivator and our guide – feeling healed, loved, good about whatever it is we want.

We need to start from the END and work our way toward it – not start from where we are now, the place of unhappiness, and try to work ourselves away from it. Think from the END, from the place where you feel GOOD – and things will fall into place along the path to get you to the place of well-being.

We all struggle with SOMETHING: guilt, fear, self-loathing, denial, pain, grief, hatred, depression, despair, apathy, lovelessness. All can be overcome if we can just learn to think from the end. By concentrating on the good feeling of the way you want things to be, you draw to you the circumstances necessary to get yourself there. People, things and information will appear to help you on your way, as if by magic. The Universe WANTS you to succeed! It wants you to be well and to feel good, for that is your natural state.

If you imagine it, it will become. The Law of Attraction makes it so. It requires it. It responds to your thoughts and vibrations. It’s up to you to make those thoughts and vibrations good-feeling ones. Hold the vision of what you want, and the way you want to be, in your mind. Hold it there. And feel how you would feel if you had, and were, all that you wanted. Feel how happy you would be. THAT is how you draw those things to you. Berating yourself for consistently failing will only draw to you more failure and bad feelings.

Think from the end. Think positive. Think good-feeling thoughts. And good is what you will find on your path.

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Signs It’s Time to Leave Your Job

There was just an article on Mashable called 3 Signs That It’s Time to Quit Your Job. Their three signs were 1. Your values don’t align with the company’s, 2. You no longer enjoy your job, and 3. You’re surrounded by irresponsible behavior.

I have more. While they can probably be summed up in the above three, I like to mention them separately, because I’ve experienced or witnessed each and every one of these in various jobs that I’ve held over the years. I finally became so disillusioned working for others that I now work for myself.

So here, in no particular order, is my list of signs it’s time to leave your job:

When you feel like your workplace sucks the life out of you.

When a dark cloud descends upon you when you walk into the building and you feel a sense of freedom when you leave.

When your coworker describes the place as “stultifying.” And you realize your coworker is right.

When all the good people are leaving (and the few who remain are unhappy).

When all that’s good – the people, the personal satisfaction, the enjoyment of the work itself – can no longer make up for what’s wrong.

When you hate getting up and going to work because of all the B.S. you know you’re going to have to face.

When management clearly is not working in the best interest of employees or, for that matter, of the organization.

When the above occurs and the organization allows it – or rewards it.

When doing excellent work, coasting, and not meeting minimum standards are all treated equally.

When no one cares what kind of job you do, or even if you can do the job, as long as you show up.

When others can brown-nose their way into not having to do the work that’s expected of everyone else … because they are incapable of doing the job they were hired for … and that’s apparently acceptable; and rewarded.

When you bring to light things that are wrong and/or harmful to the organization and you are disciplined for being a troublemaker.

When you have grave concerns that your organization may not be acting ethically or legally.

When you see your organization committing an injustice that you can’t live with.

When your organization does things underhandedly.

Yes, these probably could have all fit into the first three. But think on your current and past jobs about how many times you’ve witnessed any of these things. Some you can live with. Some you can live with for a while. And some you can’t live with at all, especially when several of these occur at the same time.

I will be the first to extol the many benefits of working for an established organization. And I have worked for some that were fabulous in many ways. No one place has the perfect combination and is great all the time. There will always be some things you don’t like about your job. Even though I now work for myself, there are things I don’t like about being my own boss and running my own business.

Wherever and however you choose to work, it’s a trade-off. Be grateful for what you have. Work hard. But know your mental and emotional limits. Know when it’s time to get out.

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When Love Leaves You Cold

I often like telling the story of carrots, eggs, and coffee. It’s a story about life and how you handle adversity. A young woman is complaining to her mother about how life is so hard, and her mother responds by boiling carrots, eggs, and coffee in three pots. When they are done, she asks her daughter to tell her what she observes about each one.

The carrots are mushy; the eggs are hard; but the coffee is good. The mother explains to her that the three substances faced the same adversity – the boiling water. The carrots became weak and soft; the eggs became hard and unyielding; but the coffee turned into something rich and flavorful. Then she asked her daughter, “Which one are you? When adversity strikes, will you become weak like the carrot? Harden your heart like the egg? Or turn it into something better, like the coffee?”

There are several ways one can deal when love leaves you cold. You can fall to pieces; you can become hard and unyielding and say you’re never going to let anyone in again; or you can take the good that you learned from the experience to become a better person, a better partner, or to be more discriminating in your choices when you renew your search for love.

Things happen for a reason. There is a point to each relationship, something that we are meant to learn, something to gain so that we can move forward. Sometimes we call experiences into our lives, and sometimes they are foisted upon us by the Universe. I’ve learned to trust that the Universe knows what we need better than we do.

I had given up on men for various reasons. And then someone came into my life quite unexpectedly. I wasn’t looking for anyone, nor would I have put myself with him. But, I became emotionally involved with him all the same. And he hurt me severely, if unintentionally. Even though it was a painful experience, it opened me up, which was exactly what I needed.

At first that experience made me like a carrot; after my “carrot phase” was over, it could have made me like an egg; but I chose to become like the coffee. It changed my heart the way it needed to change, so that it would be open to love the next time it came.

Because of the way it happened, I knew that the experience was for my good, and as much as it hurt, I trusted the Universe to know what it was doing. And it was right. I am grateful for the experience. It taught me how I need to be, because I wasn’t in the right place, and didn’t even realize it.

That experience allowed me to open up to the next person. Even though the next person didn’t work out, I also know that wasn’t my doing; it was his issues, not mine, that ended it.

Here’s the important thing: I could choose to view both these relationships as failures, but I don’t. Neither one turned into what I wanted, or lasted very long; but I got what I needed from both in the short time I had. The first one helped prepare me for subsequent relationships; and the second one showed me I am capable of being in one successfully (at least from my point of view).

That’s all I need to move forward to the next one. And there will be a next one, because now I have not given up. Both relationships showed me that I don’t want to miss out on the things I’ve been missing out on. I want to keep trying.

The Universe gives us what we need, but we have to see it. We have to rise above our pain and look at the good that comes from adversity. It’s difficult, but if we rise to the challenge of viewing it that way, we get so much more out of it than if we choose to simply see the hurt, and place blame, and choose to suffer.

Suffering is a choice. We can choose to take the “poor me” attitude and feel bad about our circumstances and feel bad about ourselves; or we can choose to look at the good in our circumstances and look at the good in ourselves and think positively. The second path takes more effort; but it ultimately leads to a better experience, faster healing, and a more positive future.

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The Smallest Things Can Have the Largest Impact

I’ve recently taken to eating lemons. Well, not actually eating them, but squeezing some fresh lemon juice in my water. I used to throw the rinds into the garbage disposal, but I noticed it kept getting hung up, and I would have to take an Allen wrench to the bottom of it so that it would turn again.

I stopped throwing the rinds in, but I kept throwing the seeds in, and the same thing kept happening, so I figured it must be the seeds getting stuck in there. I stopped putting the seeds in the disposal, and I haven’t had a problem since.

Something as small as a lemon seed can stop up the whole works.

Isn’t that just how it is? Sometimes it’s the little things that stick in our craw. Like petty slights or insults that dig at us and won’t let go, until our reaction becomes disproportionate to the incident. A comment here, a gesture there…they all add up, don’t they?

I remember a comment that hurt me for days. I didn’t say anything about it, because it seemed petty, and I didn’t want to be petty, and maybe it was even unintentional. So I let it fester. Because I was hurt by it, I should have said something to the other person. These things damage our energy.  We need to heal them quickly and NOT let them fester. We need to communicate with each other better.

I previously wrote about a friend of mine who I observed with her young son. She said some horrible things to him that I had never heard a parent say, things that shocked me, like, “You’re so stupid!” I observed her volley a continuous tirade against his self-esteem. I’m sure her words had a damaging effect on that boy that may be lifelong.

Just a few words can have so much damage. “You look like you’re gaining a little weight” can lead to a problem with anorexia or bulimia. “You’re ugly,” said in jest, can have a damaging impact. “This is wrong about you, that is wrong about you”…why do we have to bring each other down? Does that really make us feel better about ourselves?

We need to point out the good in each other, not each other’s flaws. We all have flaws. They’re different flaws, but they’re all flaws. Someone might be cosmetically challenged on the outside but have a beautiful soul on the inside. Someone might be beautiful on the outside, but a twisted mass of hatred and manipulation on the inside.

Don’t judge. And don’t harm. Even the smallest words can have a lifelong impact.

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