Love Is Not Enough

I recently had a dream about an ex-boyfriend. In it, he told me, “I’m sorry I wasn’t good for you.” That’s not something he would ever say to me in person, so it surprised me to hear it in my dream. But it was true.

We got along great, we had great chemistry; but there was one aspect of his personality that ultimately I couldn’t live with. I did for a while, and I could have for a while more, but not forever. Our relationship would have ended eventually, even if it hadn’t ended when it did.

So in my dream we said goodbye in spirit, even though we had said goodbye in person long before.

In my dream I told him that a part of me will always love him, which is true, and I felt our chemistry all over again as if he were really there. We will always be connected, even if we never physically see each other in this world again. But it also reminded me that it doesn’t matter how much you love someone, love does not conquer all — you must be inherently compatible for a relationship to work.

Trying to live with this “thing” would have made me compromise myself too much, compromise what I need from a relationship. Either he would have had to change significantly (something I knew he wasn’t prepared to do, as it would have had to come from within himself), or the relationship would have to come to its eventual conclusion.

When looking for love, know yourself. Know what you can compromise on and what you can’t. When we got together, I didn’t know this thing about him. There were signs, I probably should have known, but I didn’t fully realize it until I spent more time with him and got to know him better.

I don’t blame myself, nor do I blame him. We were just inherently incompatible, despite how compatible we were in just about every other way. I also don’t regret having the relationship, even though it hurt me terribly when it ended. It was good to feel like part of a couple again, good to have someone care about me.

I don’t know what prompted the “dream visitation.” I wasn’t thinking about him, and I long ago stopped looking for an apology, because I know one will never come.

But it did give me a sense of peace and of closure, even if it was only in spirit and not in person, and even if I didn’t think I needed it. The Universe knows what we need better than we do ourselves. So I accept this gift. And I forgive.

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Using Relationships as Band-Aids

When I was in my 20s, my life had no meaning unless I was in a relationship. So after one ended, my time was spent searching for the next one. I didn’t work to develop my interests or develop my own life in any real way. I thought the only way to feel fulfilled was to have someone else in my life. To love and to be loved. That’s all that mattered, surely.

How times have changed. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve worked on bettering myself as a person. I often don’t even think about relationships, let alone look for one, and while I’m not saying that’s necessarily the right thing to do, it’s something I now can do and feel comfortable with.

I have evolved into my own person — someone I like. Someone not dependent on her worth being determined by whom she is with or if she is with someone.

I have seen far too many people, men and women alike (but mostly men) use relationships as Band-Aids. They suffer an emotional blow, and instead of dealing with it, they rush headlong into the next relationship because that will mask the pain and make them feel better. They never take the time to work through the pain, they don’t bother to learn from it, they just do what they can to avoid feeling it.

I feel sorry for people like that, people who are too afraid to just be by themselves for a while, too afraid to live in the pain. Pain serves a purpose, unpleasant as it may be. Those are the times when we learn the most about ourselves and grow as individuals, as souls. Those times should not be avoided, because they offer the best opportunity for personal growth.

I did a LOT of soul-searching after my divorce. I didn’t just look for the next relationship to make the pain go away. I wanted to understand the bigger picture of why this happened in my life and what the purpose was, because deep-down I knew it was meant to be.

Why do some people feel the need to always be with someone? Why are they so afraid to be alone? It is very freeing to be able to be comfortable with just your own company. To get to know yourself outside of the context of another person, outside of the context of a relationship. You might be surprised to find out who you really are.

The person I am now was always there, but I suppressed her. If you’ve read my blog for any length of time, you know that I have some different ideas, some “New Age” ideas. But I certainly didn’t grow up in a “New Age” household (far from it), and I certainly didn’t have a marriage accepting of “New Age” ideas (far from it), so that part of me was suppressed for a long, long time. When I was free of my childhood and free of my marriage, I was given the time to explore that side of me. And I am not surprised to find that that side of me is the real me. The me I wouldn’t have found if I had constantly bounced from one relationship to the next, concentrating on being the “right” person for each man I was with, instead of finding the “right” man to be with the authentic “me.”

While I wouldn’t espouse being single as long as I have, I do highly recommend taking a break from relationships to 1. First and foremost heal organically (from within), rather than artificially (using another person to make you feel better), and 2. Learn more about yourself. Either find out who you really are, or improve who you really are.

Because circumstances allowed me to do this, I am a more tolerant, compassionate person than I was before. I am a nicer person, or at least I try to be. I still have some rough edges, I still make mistakes. We can’t completely change our personalities. But we can try to be the best people we can, given our individual natures.

If I had just moved on to the next relationship after my divorce to avoid feeling the pain I was in, I wouldn’t have done all that soul-searching, questioning, wondering. I wouldn’t understand my life, my world, my Universe, nearly as well as I do now.

While no one can fully understand life, there are aspects of life I understand much better than I did before. It’s as if for years I walked the world asleep, and now I am awake. And I am a much better person because of this entire experience. A more useful person to the world, because I can help people better understand their lives and the things that happen to them. Or if not, at least I can share my thoughts, feelings and experiences so that someone reading them knows they are not alone.

I lived in a very self-centered world before. I was all about what was in it for me. Now, the most important thing to me is how I can help others. Make their lives better in some way; give them a kernel of understanding that maybe they didn’t have before; help them through a painful time.

All because I took the time to get to know myself, instead of running from relationship to relationship looking for the next Band-Aid.

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Wanting to Fit In

As many of you know, I just started a new job (which is the reason for the paucity of posts lately, a fault I hope to remedy). These two weeks have been very busy and very stressful, trying to amass a large quantity of information in a short period of time. Part of my stress derives from wanting to fit in with the group and with the company, so over these two weeks I have watched what people wore, what they did, how they worked, and I did my best to conform. I don’t want to stand out, I want to fit in. That’s only natural.

Quite to the contrary, my son maintains his individuality no matter the situation, and I respect that he is willing to be braver than I am. He doesn’t conform on purpose. He maintains his sense of self. He doesn’t follow the crowd.

Interestingly, one of the guiding principles of the company I now work for is Authenticity. Come to work as you are. And I was told that even if you’re grumpy, come to work grumpy. Don’t put on a mask. Maybe we can help. How strange is that? How refreshing, how unusual, how un-corporate-like.

Be yourself, even if you’re not your best self. Who really does that? Don’t we all more-or-less put on a mask when we go into work? We’re expected to conform, to fit in, to not make waves, to not be too individual.

Why are we so quick to dispense with our individuality? I respect the brave souls who exhibit their personalities in the way they dress, tattoo, pierce, act, speak, or whatever it is they wish to use to set themselves apart. They don’t seem to care what others think of them; their freedom of expression is more important.

My son is just that way. If everyone at school is supposed to dress a certain way for a dress-up day, he will purposely not do so. He doesn’t want to roll with the crowd.

Why am I not brave like he is?

About the best thing I can say for myself is that I am not afraid to befriend those who are different. I befriended a girl in college who was someone you would immediately pick out of a crowd. She had long black hair, some of it in cornrows, and thick eye makeup reminiscent of an Egyptian princess. She had somewhat dark skin and brown eyes, but I don’t know what her nationality was. In any case, she was definitely a free spirit, and a breath of fresh air in my white bread, WASP-ish, everyone-must-conform world.

I would observe people look at her strangely because of her appearance, and look at me strangely for being associated with her. I didn’t care, because she was my friend, and either she was oblivious to people’s stares or just didn’t care, either. I respected her for her bravery and independent spirit and in a way, wished I could be more like her. And I learned what it was to be a faithful friend.

At this new company that I work for, people are encouraged to be themselves, whatever way that is. So I have allowed my sense of humor to show through, and so far it’s been well-received. One of the attorneys I work with, in my first week, called me “stupid.” You would have to know the context of the conversation, but that was something so unexpected I burst out laughing. It says a lot that someone feels they know you well enough, in just a short time, to know that you can find the well-intentioned humor in such a comment. He knew I would not take it literally, or take it the wrong way, and he also knows that I can dish it out (and fully expects me to). It makes for a fun workplace.

So on this new adventure I am on, I will try to be true to myself and embrace my quirky individual nature. Like using words like “paucity” just because I can.

Because at this company, apparently, individuality is honestly appreciated.

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14 Things I’ve Learned About Marriage – Part II

As I mentioned in Part I, I am approaching the nine-year anniversary of my divorce, which led me to contemplate sharing all I’ve learned about marriage both during my own and in hindsight after, as well as by observing others’ marriages.

In this first part I discussed the first seven things I learned: here are the final seven. Of course, there are more than 14 things one can learn about marriage; so feel free to post additional thoughts you might have at the end.

8. Have important discussions before you get married.  And ideally, before you even get engaged. You should have a clear picture of what the other person’s financial situation is, and you should discuss whether you want kids or not (and if the door may ever be open later — we both didn’t want kids when we married, but changed our minds several years into our marriage). These are the obvious things. But also discuss your views on child-rearing, because we never did that (obviously, since we weren’t planning on having kids), and we have different ideas about how a child should be raised.

If you are entering a second or subsequent marriage, you have even more to discuss, especially if you are blending families. There are issues related to the kids, money, exes, custody schedules, possibly moving to a new home, blending finances, debt, and more. Know what you’re getting into. Know what you can expect from the other person in terms of financial support and discuss how you will raise your kids together. In detail. I’ve seen a second wife be blindsided by a new husband in more ways than one.

9. Respect your partner. A marriage without mutual respect won’t last. Or if it lasts, it won’t be a happy one. My ex and I are friends to this day because we always respected each other, even during the most difficult times. We may not agree on many fundamental things, but one thing I will always say is that he is a good man. And I hope he would say that I am a good woman. It is out of respect for each other and our friendship that we have made things work. We had an amicable divorce, we have put our son first, and we have been flexible and cooperative with our custody schedules.

10. Act within marriage as you did before marriage. Some people seem to think a marriage license is a license to do whatever they please because the other person is “stuck” with them. They act one way to get the spouse, and then they act another way once they have the spouse. It’s not really fair to the spouse who didn’t know what they were getting into.

If you took good care of yourself before you were married, continue to take good care of yourself after marriage. If you showed respect to your significant other by controlling your bodily functions while you were dating, don’t change this behavior once you’re married because they’re “stuck” with you and they have to accept it. Trust me, they won’t appreciate it, no matter how much they love you.

If while you were dating, you surprised him with love notes in his lunch, or if you bought her flowers for no reason, don’t stop once you’re married. Keep the relationship alive. Never stop trying. A marriage license might feel like a permanent thing, but we all know it’s not. Bottom line, if you make your spouse unhappy they will leave you, marriage license or not.

11. Appreciate what your partner does for you. I never stopped appreciating all the things my husband did for me, for us, for our house, and I appreciate all those things even more now that I’m on my own. It’s easy to take things for granted, take them as a given; but remember that the things you take for granted today may not be there tomorrow.

12. If it’s getting done, don’t be obsessed with how it’s getting done. Case in point: If he’s cleaning the bathroom, even if he’s not doing it exactly the way you would do it, just be glad he’s cleaning it at all. Appreciate the effort, even if you don’t agree with the method. If he cooks dinner for you, even if it’s something off your diet, just appreciate it. No one wants to be criticized for doing something nice. If you criticize them, they may think twice about doing something nice in the future.

13. Nourish the relationship. Don’t let the relationship slide, especially after kids come into the picture, and figure you can “fix it later.” A marriage is like a plant. It needs constant nourishment and attention if it is to survive. If it doesn’t get that, it will wither and die. And there is a time limit on that nourishment. Don’t wait too long.

14. Communicate, especially about the difficult things.  It’s so important to keep the lines of communication open at all times, but especially during difficult times, when communication is needed the most. We got along so well on autopilot that we missed this crucial step. When I went through some difficult times (I suffered several miscarriages), we didn’t talk about it. He didn’t want to, and I felt emotionally abandoned. I knew his propensity to avoid discussing difficult things, so I let it go. I shouldn’t have. I should have made him talk about it; I should have let him know I needed comfort. Instead, we swept it under the rug and I was left to deal emotionally on my own each and every time. It was a fatal mistake.

We have a tendency to not talk about things that are bothering us, especially if each little thing is minor in itself. But all those little things add up. We keep those little things silently inside and let them fester, only to manifest in some way later. They may all come out during a fight, all these things that have been bothering us that we never mentioned. Or, they might just pile up in our hearts, chipping away at our love little by little, until one day we realize the erosion is complete and our love is gone.

In some ways, a successful marriage is a mystery. And in other ways, it’s a no-brainer. In any case, navigating through a marriage is a constant learning process.

I’m sure there is more wisdom out there than what I have provided here, so feel free to add your own thoughts.

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14 Things I’ve Learned About Marriage – Part I

I am approaching the nine-year anniversary of my divorce — which comes just three days after what would have been the 21st anniversary of my marriage. I don’t actually mark the time (we don’t want to dwell in the past, do we?) but inevitably, sometime during the month of October each year, I will remember that these anniversaries are coming up; and it occurred to me that I should share what I’ve learned both during my marriage and in the years since (because hindsight is, after all, 20/20).

Most of what I know comes from my own marriage and mistakes that were made; but some of what I know comes from observing others’ marriages, both successful and unsuccessful (in other words, these don’t all apply to my marriage unless specifically noted).

In no particular order, here is the first part of a two-part series on the 14 things I’ve learned about marriage:

1. Don’t mistake compatibility for ease. Just because you’re very compatible doesn’t mean your marriage is effortless. It’s not. You still have to work at it. We were so compatible that ours seemed so easy, which contributed to our undoing. I think couples that are actually less compatible may have more successful marriages because they learn to work at compromise and resolving conflict. We never learned that, so when we needed those skills, we didn’t have them.

2. Don’t lose your identity. As compatible as we seemed to be, it became increasingly clear over time that my ex-husband and I are very different people. As it turns out, we have very different views on child-rearing, politics, religion, nutrition, just about everything. Part of this is due to me finally becoming the person I was meant to be, which was an evolutionary process (most of which occurred after we divorced), while he stayed pretty much the way he has always been.

While compromise in a relationship is necessary, you need to be true to yourself first. Don’t lose your identity. Don’t give up too much of yourself because that’s what is required to stay in the relationship. Don’t quench the fire that burns within you for whatever your passion is just because your partner wouldn’t understand or agree with you. They should know who you are and all that goes with it when they marry you. And it’s up to you to make sure they do.

3. Marriage is not a license to change the other person.  If your partner married you knowing who you truly are, they shouldn’t expect marriage to suddenly and magically change you into someone else who better suits them. Marriage is not meant to be a mold for changing people. If you were honest about who you are before you were married, you shouldn’t change into someone else immediately after marriage. And your spouse should expect you to be the same person they knew before they married you, not someone else they hoped you would turn into. I know a man who confessed to me that he married his wife because she was young and he could “mold” her. That was a one-sided marriage if ever I saw one.

4. Love means wanting what is best for the other person, even if that’s not what’s best for you. True love means supporting your spouse, even if that takes them in a direction you wouldn’t have wanted. For example, what if your spouse decides to run for political office, which will put your family in the public spotlight? What if your spouse’s promotion means you have to move to Hong Kong for two years? What if your spouse wants to quit their job and start their own business? These are difficult decisions and could be unwanted changes in your life.

Love also means that sometimes what is best for the other person is for you to split up, because you know they will be unhappy if you stay together. Sometimes what is best for the other person is to let them go, regardless of how much it hurts you.

5. Don’t abandon your own interests. I see couples who go off and do their own thing from time to time — the wife has a girls’ weekend or the husband has a hunting weekend, or both. These are good and healthy things, especially if you feel you need the break from each other. As the saying goes, “How can I miss you if you won’t go away?” A short break from each other can be renewing for the relationship.

Other couples are never apart. They do everything together or they don’t go at all. You have to find the right balance for you and for your marriage. Too much hanging out at the bar with the guys without the wife won’t work and is disrespectful to the relationship; the same goes for too many girls’ nights out without the husband. You need time apart (if you desire it) and time together.

You also need time with other people — other couples, groups of friends, your families. Not long into our marriage we moved away from everyone we knew, so we weren’t able to get together with our friends like we could have otherwise. Our relationship would have benefitted from that. Instead, we only had each other for company, and we got stuck in a routine which contributed to “marriage boredom.”

6. Don’t be selfish. Love is about putting someone else’s needs above your own, and doing so gladly. While everyone needs time to themselves and time to do their own thing, it should not be at the expense or to the detriment of the other person. As in all things, there must be balance.

In my own marriage, there were times I acted selfishly, not from taking time to do my own thing, just from being, well, selfish. I understand where that behavior came from, but I don’t wish to see that in myself again. There are some “do-overs” I wish I could have had. Just because someone allows you to take advantage of them out of love doesn’t mean you should.

7. Marriage is not a guarantee. We tend to interpret marriage as being some kind of guarantee that our spouses will always stay the same people they were when we married them and that they have to always love us no matter what. Marriage is no guarantee of anything. It’s a promise to stay together; nothing more. I know some marriages crumble because a person changes during the marriage. Even when a change is for the better (like turning from alcohol to religion) it can be stressful on a marriage, not to mention the changes for the worse.

No one can promise not to change as they go through life. We are constantly evolving, and sometimes we grow apart as a result of that process. That is a natural part of life, not something in which to find blame.

And as for loving someone eternally…that love has to be earned, even after marriage. After all, you earned it in the first place by cultivating it when you were dating. There is nothing magical about a marriage license. It will not guarantee your spouse’s love if you disparage, abuse, or ignore them.

My next post will have 7 more things I’ve learned about marriage.

Please add your comments on this — either what you learned in your own relationships by your mistakes, or words of advice if you are successfully married.

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How Much Joy Do You Feel?

The standard of success in life isn’t the things. It isn’t the money or the stuff — it is absolutely the amount of joy you feel. ~ Abraham-Hicks

If there is one thing I’ve learned in this life, it’s that owning certain things might make you happy, but it’s the people you know and the experiences you have that bring you the most joy.

What good is a boat if you have no one to go boating with? What good is a tennis racquet if you don’t have a tennis partner?

We need others to share in our good fortune. The best times in our lives are those we share with others, those we create with others.

So…how much joy do you feel in your life?

If you’re not feeling much joy, ask yourself why that is. Are you unhappy? Overwhelmed? Stressed?

There was a time in my life when I felt no joy. There was nothing particularly wrong with my life at the time; I was just overwhelmed by all the obligations of my daily life to the extent that there was no time for fun. No time to create joy. And I was one cranky and unhappy person.

It took a while, but I finally realized another great truth about life: that life is all about balance.

We all know that life must have some sorrow so that we are better able to feel the joy. And that we appreciate the sunny days the most after we’ve endured days of rain. So it is that one must feel happiness and joyfulness instead of being buried in work and obligations all the time to the point of being perpetually unhappy.

We cannot have too much of one and not enough of the other. It upsets the delicate balance. Too much rain causes floods, while too much sun causes drought. Harm comes to the world when it is out of balance, just as harm comes to your soul when it is out of balance.

Too much work and no play causes disharmony in your soul. Too many obligations rob you of free time, of time to find joyful things.

I know this well.

After suffering my period of “overwhelment,” I made changes, because I knew I couldn’t continue on the path I was on. I had been holding myself to a higher standard than I was able to achieve given my time constraints. So in my own life, I made more time for fun and less time for work. I let some things go. Not a lot, but a little. I spent less time on things (taking care of my house and yard to the extent I thought I should) and more time on people and on having fun.  And I became a happier person. And the world didn’t come to an end simply because I didn’t do all the things I had done before.

We must find joy in our daily lives, and if they are out of balance, make changes to find the right balance. After all, our lives are of our own making. We created our lives based on decisions we made along the way. If we are not happy with our lives the way they are, if we are missing the joy, then it is time to make a change to find the right balance. For many of us, it’s putting ourselves first instead of always putting others first. For others, greater changes are needed.

Are you in the wrong job? In the wrong place? With the wrong person?

You know what it is you need. Feed your soul first. The rest will follow.

You need balance in your life to find your joy. Balance between work and play. Obligation and fun. “Go” time and down time. “You” time and time for others. Because if you don’t find that balance…you will be one unhappy person. And you will miss out on your joy.

So ask yourself…how much joy do you feel? Is it time to make a change?

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The “Coincidences” Continue…and Involve EFT Tapping

I wasn’t sure if I was going to tell you all about this, but I figure…what the heck. I can give you the straight facts of what happened and you can be the judge of whether you think it was a coincidence or not.

On Thursday September 5^th, I attended a free webinar on EFT Tapping by Nick Ortner, creator of “The Tapping Solution.”

If you are not familiar with tapping, or emotional freedom technique (EFT), it involves tapping on a series of acupressure points on the body to help achieve emotional health on an issue and remove psychological blocks. It’s somewhat similar to acupuncture but without the needles. Like acupuncture, acupressure techniques have been around for thousands of years.

I’ve known about tapping for decades, when a social worker friend first told me about it. It sounded strange to me then, as it does to me now, but she swore by it. Although I was skeptical, I am also open-minded, and I figured I had nothing to lose.

This particular webinar was focused on removing blocks to financial health.

The webinar recounted all sorts of financial success stories which I took with a grain of salt. I just figured it might be an interesting way to spend an hour or so and I was curious, though not really thinking it would do anything for me.

I went through the tapping exercises (if you’re curious, you can see a short video here. It’s a slightly different method, in fact there are many methods, but they all hit the same acupressure points). Afterward I can’t say I felt relief or really anything at all, but just went about my business as usual.

FACT: The very next day, September 6th, I got the initial screening call for what has become my new job. The screening call went very well, and the HR representative indicated she would recommend moving me further through the interview process.

FACT: This is the furthest I had gotten in any interview process in many months. The last interview I had was seven months earlier.

FACT: That very same day, September 6th, I also received a call to interview for a long-term contract job at another large corporation, a job that paid well and which I would have taken, had the other job not come through.

FACT: On September 13th, a week after the webinar, I received an email to start the process to take on more freelance work with a well-paying client.

FACT: Three opportunities to make more money all occurred within eight days after I did the tapping, after I had been going through a financial dry spell for many months.

COINCIDENCE? I think not.

And yet I can’t explain it, either. I’m not going to go so far as to say it was the tapping that did this. But something happened to turn my financial world completely around for the better after months of trying.

All these events happened just as I said, and can be verified by my calendar notations and phone records. In other words, I am not making this up; I couldn’t even have dreamed this up if I tried.

If you want to try it for yourself, on whatever issue is most troubling you, go ahead. I make no judgments, no assertions; all I have done is to tell you the facts of what happened to me after I did the tapping.

I’m still mystified and perplexed by these events, but I know that there are many mysteries to the Universe. I don’t have to understand them to accept them and benefit from them, which I am heartily prepared to do.

Have you or someone you know had any experiences with tapping? Do you think you might try it?

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