Flashes of Brilliance

I had a flash of brilliance the other day. That’s what I call them, though they may be more correctly called flashes of insight or understanding. You know what I’m talking about. When all of a sudden you see something so clearly, something that’s vexed you, maybe for years. (Yes, I said “vexed.” I’ve been reading Jane Austen. Let it go.)

Usually my flashes of brilliance come during that amorphous time between sleep and awakening when I am partly conscious. During that brief time of semi-consciousness we are extremely open to insight. Not only do we have an open pathway to our soul, but our soul knows the answers our brains lack. And it delivers, if we are open to listening to it.

I have come to understand more problems and issues during this miniscule time of day than any other. They generally involve relationship issues I didn’t understand that occurred within the last few years. The insight I gained during these brief times helped me understand why things happened the way they did and helped me resolve them in my mind. It helped me to let things go that still bothered me.

But the flash of brilliance I had the other day involved something that occurred over a decade ago, something that happened that I didn’t entirely understand. And what I realized was that I screwed up a relationship way back then. Not only for myself, but for him as well. It had been meant to be, I’m sure of it. And it never was.

There is no pain associated with this anymore, as it was so long ago and we are no longer in touch. In fact, I have no idea what happened to him. He is like a vague memory.

Interestingly, I don’t feel regret, either. Yeah, I screwed up. And normally that would fill me with painful regret and self-loathing. But I am so far removed from the emotional ties of that time and to that person that there is no room for regret in the remembering. It just doesn’t matter at this point. But I did learn why I screwed up, and it’s a pattern I need to change. I think that’s why I received that flash of brilliance now; to learn what not to do in the future, to recall that I have a pattern that needs breaking where it comes to certain men. The good men. The ones with potential.

For some reason I feel I don’t deserve them. And that’s what it was at that time. I felt he must be for someone else; not for me. What I just realized was that he WAS meant for me, and I was meant for him. It was supposed to be. And it didn’t happen, because I screwed up.

Oh well. I will take the understanding and the lesson and learn from it and apply it in my future. I am glad to have the realization, but even more glad that it is from so long ago that it doesn’t pain me. Because it certainly would have very much, had I realized this a few years ago.

Flashes of brilliance are unpredictable. I don’t know if they happen when they are meant to or if they occur when we need them. They are one of life’s mysteries to me. But I, for one, am glad to experience them. They have brought me comfort over the years.

Have you had any “flashes of brilliance?”

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Do You Have What You Need?

It’s a simple question, yet not so simple. You may not have everything you want (who does?), but do you have what you need?

We all need the same things: beyond the basics like having enough food and adequate shelter, we need socialization, love, a feeling of belonging, a feeling that our lives matter. If you feel like something is fundamentally lacking in your life, you may not have everything you need.

Are you happy? Are you satisfied? Are you fulfilled? If you can’t say yes to these questions, then maybe you don’t have what you need. Maybe you need to go look for it, in whatever form it’s in.

For some, it’s a promotion or a different job. For others, it’s finding that significant other. It might involve leaving the corporate world behind and doing something completely different like opening a Bed & Breakfast. It might be fulfilling a lifelong dream. Or quitting a job to run your own business. Or having a baby. Or volunteering. Or caring for others.

What makes you happy? What makes you feel like you matter?

It’s good to sit back and look at our lives from time to time and take stock. What is important to you? Are you getting that? Are there downsides that are outweighing the benefits?

I wrote here about a man who worked so many hours per week to buy his family all the good things in life, only to realize too late that he missed out on their lives – his wife’s, his kids’ – and he could never get that time back.

Life is a balancing act. Sometimes the things we need come at a price that is too high to pay – a job that pays well but takes up all our free time, or a big house that we can barely afford. Sometimes, we find the things we need not in accumulating more, but in letting go and keeping less. Sometimes downsizing is the way to get what we need.

Although our basic needs are the same, the ways in which we go about fulfilling them are as different and as myriad as the stars in the sky. What is right for one person is wrong for another. What makes one person thrive destroys another.

There is no “right” answer for everyone. We are not the same. So we should not judge each other’s choices. We all must make our own choices as we travel the path of life, trying to find the best way to get what we need.

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When Life Sucks the Life Out of You

Those of you who read me regularly know that I’ve written less and less in the past few months. There are several reasons for this, one being that I’ve been sick a lot this winter, but the main reason is that my job is sucking the life out of me.

It’s not that I don’t enjoy what I do. I like the work I do. But the environment I do it in runs on adrenaline. I’ve never had such a stressful job in such a stressful environment before. I’ve never seen a business run in such a fast-paced, ever-changing manner with schedules changing constantly. There is something to be said for nimbleness — they have that in spades (“Gumby nimble,” I’ve dubbed it) — but it borders on craziness, compared to what I’m used to.

I’ve worked for a lot of businesses, but I’ve never seen anything quite like this. I’m used to much more stability and pre-planning, and not as much working by reaction and putting out fires. I believe it’s just the nature of the beast where I am, but nothing prepared me for it.

Most days I come home from work completely drained, with no energy left for other parts of my life. My thoughts are consumed with work: what I have to get done and how fast I have to do it. For 8-9 hours straight without a break, I work as hard and as fast as I can; and I leave at the end of the day knowing I gave it my all but it’s still not enough.

It’s not just a job that will suck the life out of you.

Other life events will do it, too…illness, injury, chronic pain, loss of a loved one, love gone wrong, a run of bad luck, depression, chronic disappointments.

In fact, there are many reasons why life can suck the life out of you, and we are often subject to several. All we can do is fight our way out of the situation to a better place.

As for me, I’m finding ways to adapt and deal with the stress. And although I’ve noticed I have little energy left for musings and observations, I will try to rectify that. I will try to keep the well from drying up. I will try to find things to say, to continue what I’ve started; because if I lose my voice, my connection to you all…that would be an unintended casualty indeed.

What situations have YOU been in that have sucked the life out of you? How did you deal with it?

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