How Many Chances Should You Give Someone?

I believe in giving second chances. Everyone can make a mistake or a bad choice, and I think everyone should be given the chance to redeem themselves. But you know the saying: “Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.” Or as I would put it, “Don’t be an idiot!”

But how many chances do you give someone?

I recently had a bad experience with a guy who kept blowing me off. Someone I knew from the past, but had never dated, and hadn’t seen in years. He kept saying he wanted to meet again, but when the time came, he would blow me off. (He’s out-of-town, so that makes it easier to do.)

The turning point came when he stood me up for a wedding he swore he would be at. It took me a night and a full day to evolve from a place of hurt, disappointment and anger to one of forgiveness and understanding. He did, after all, have another event, a rather important event, that he needed to be at, but he swore he would leave it early to honor the commitment he made to me. When I was already at the reception and he told me he wasn’t coming, I knew there was something else going on, I just wasn’t sure what. But after processing it, I decided to give him a second chance anyway.

Sometime during that second chance, after he swore he would make it up to me, I was fed up with his lack of progress at committing to a date. I told him we were done. And I meant it. But he wouldn’t accept it and said he would try harder. He seemed sincere, so I gave him a third chance.

That proved to be an exercise in futility, because the next time we made plans, he blew me off again. Didn’t even give a reason, just said, “That’s not going to work out.”

At that point, I had had quite enough of wasting my time with someone so disingenuous and disrespectful. At that point, I was done for good.

I don’t understand why someone would mess with someone like that; what is there to gain? What sick pleasure does someone take in that? I will never understand it.

I deserve to be with someone who WANTS to be with me. Better yet, someone who CAN’T WAIT to be with me.

I don’t know what issues this guy has (no, he’s not married), but they are no longer my concern. He won’t be hearing from me again.

So…how many chances do you give someone?

Enough chances until they have proven they are no longer worthy of any more. Until you have no more chances within you to give. People must show they deserve a second (or third) chance. It’s something that is earned; it is an act of benevolence and mercy on the part of the person giving it, and that should not be taken lightly. And certainly shouldn’t be taken advantage of.

This man lost all his chances, and it no longer matters to me what his issues are. And while some may think I was an idiot to stick it out as long as I did, I don’t see it that way. I am satisfied with my response, knowing that I showed tolerance, patience, kindness, and forgiveness under very difficult circumstances. And in a way, I’m proud that I could evolve beyond my initial knee-jerk reaction to end it earlier.

Not that it got me anywhere except wiser. But wisdom is never a bad thing, even when it is acquired through less-than-desirable circumstances. My character was tested, and I proved to myself that I am capable of showing more patience and forgiveness than I thought. And that in itself is something worth knowing.

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How to Be Grateful When Life Gets You Down

For most of my life, I’ve struggled. I’ve struggled to be financially secure, I’ve struggled to be happy, I’ve struggled to be a good mom, I’ve struggled to be a single parent doing the work of two people and still have a life. I’m sure some people would look at my life and say it’s a good one. And yet my constant struggles continue, and sometimes it gets me down.

When Thanksgiving is the time of gratefulness, how do you find it within yourself to be grateful when all you can see before you is struggle? Life is hard on many levels. Most of my problems are of my own making, but knowing that doesn’t make them disappear any faster or sting any less.

When we become overwhelmed by everything that is wrong with our lives, it’s good to take stock of the things we are grateful for so we can remember how lucky we are. I am grateful for my beautiful son, first and foremost. I don’t know what I would do without him. He is my anchor, the sun around which I revolve.

I am grateful for my house. Even though it’s a lot of work and I dream of moving to someplace more manageable, truth is, I can’t imagine living anywhere else right now.

I am grateful for my family, friends, and neighbors. I don’t know what I would do without any of them. I’m not as good as I would like at keeping up with them, but that doesn’t mean I appreciate them any less; I appreciate them all very much, in fact.

I am grateful for my pets. As irritating as my cat Fiona can be sometimes, she has been a true friend and companion for the last five years. I’m even grateful for our gerbils, Sammy and Chester, who eagerly let me hand-feed them peas and sunflower seeds, and who are sweeter, friendlier and more fun than I would have imagined.

I am grateful for the work I do. I get to write about things that matter, things that make a difference in people’s lives, and that means a great deal to me. I’m also grateful when my writing is a conduit for eloquence from who-knows-where. The words that come through my brain and out my fingers often take me by surprise; and that is a unique and welcome feeling.

I am grateful that I have enough food to eat and a warm home to live in. Many don’t have either one. What I really wish is that I had more money to give to charities for homeless shelters and food pantries so that others could know basic comforts. It pains me that I can’t give as much as I used to or as much as I would like. But I hope someday to be able to again.

When we are feeling down, it’s a good exercise to list the things we are grateful for when life’s problems seem overwhelming and threaten to extinguish our fire. Even those whose lives have been torn apart by natural disasters find something to be grateful for: each other. Because in the end, that’s what really matters. Not where or how we live, but how we treat each other and the good we can do for each other.

Perhaps around your Thanksgiving table this year, you will say something that you are grateful for in your lives. Because no matter how bad you have it, there is always someone else who is worse off than you. You may not have everything you want or even need; but chances are, you still have a lot. So for just one day, forget about the problems that weigh you down, and remember to be grateful for everything you do have.

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A Life Without Twinkies

“Don’t it always seem to go….that you don’t know what you’ve got ‘till it’s gone.” – Joni Mitchell

In light of the news of Hostess closing and laying off over 18,000 workers, I am contemplating a Hostess-free life. Which means no Twinkies, no Ding Dongs, no Ho Hos, no Suzy Qs, no waxy chocolate donuts, no powdered sugar donuts, no Zingers, no cupcakes, no fruit pies…  Okay, so I don’t customarily eat any of those things, but still….when they’re gone, that’s when you want them the most.

I did buy a few of these iconic bad-for-you treats last night when I went grocery shopping, because I don’t know how long they’ll be on the shelves (and people are probably stockpiling them as I write).

Notwithstanding the fact that I think there is something seriously wrong with a union that chooses to unemploy thousands of workers in this economy instead of accepting concessions (don’t they know they’re just lucky to have jobs??), it sounds like poor management may also be to blame for this debacle. Regardless of the reason, we are witnessing the end of an icon.

What can we learn from this?

One, compromise is a good thing, even if it rankles, because sometimes it’s better to have something than nothing. In fact, I would venture to say that it’s almost always better to have something than nothing, even if the something isn’t everything you want.

Two, you really don’t know how much you appreciate something until it’s gone. All the more reason to appreciate the little things in your life, not just the big things; and on a daily basis, not sporadically.

I have lost many favorite products over the years: my very favorite salad dressing, cereal, rice vinegar, even Hershey’s chocolate powder — no longer exist. The only difference is that I had no warning when I lost those favorite products, they were simply discontinued with no notice (how rude!). With Hostess, we at least have advance warning.

Biting into a Twinkie is like biting into a piece of childhood. It’s a stroll down memory lane. So go buy yourself a Twinkie, relive a little of your childhood memories, and remember to appreciate the little things in life. Because you never know how long they’ll last.

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The Power of One

Just like the movie “It’s a Wonderful Life,” I’ve had a rare glimpse of the impact my absence has made in the lives of others.

Unlike the movie, I haven’t seen what their lives would be like if I never existed; but I have seen what they’re lives are like now that I’m gone. I had no idea my presence made such an impact on the social dynamic of my old work group. But I’ve come to understand that it did, because of how things have changed in the months since I’ve been gone.

I don’t wish to go into details, but suffice it to say that my presence served a very useful purpose. It provided balance, buffering, absorption, direction. I was the go-to person for complaints; I was the one who tried to fix things, to find justice in an unjust situation, even though I had to leave my job to do it.

I had some sense of my role while I was there; but I am amazed to hear about the change in dynamics since I left. Others have stepped up to fill some of the void, but things are not the same by a long shot.

I figured I would miss people for a while, they would miss me for a while, and things would go on more-or-less as they had for them, but that has not been the case. And I am surprised at where I find myself in relation to them after all this time. I still refer to the group as “we,” as if I’m still a part of it, 16 months later. It’s like a part of me never left. We were a cohesive unit, balanced, productive, a well-oiled machine. We worked well together, knew each other’s strengths and weaknesses, and someone always stepped up and stepped in to help another out when needed.

As a group, we had our own social balance as well, and I apparently played an important role in that balance, because it has gone a bit askew with my absence. I feel bad about that, but there’s nothing I can do. There’s no going back. Sometimes I wish I could, but I can’t. I burned that bridge to a crisp.

And so here I am, on my own, while my former group struggles to find a new kind of balance without my presence, without the apparent role that I played, which was more important than I would have imagined.

We never know the effect we have on people — by our words, our actions, or even just our presence. Sometimes we are lucky enough to get a glimpse of our impact, either when we’re there or when we’re gone. It’s very powerful and humbling at the same time. We tend to breeze through life, and it can be tempting to wonder just how much our lives matter. As I have found out…we impact people much more than we give ourselves credit for.

I was blessed and honored to be part of that group. They are some of the finest people I have ever known. And on some level, it’s nice to know that even though I’m gone, my impact is still being felt by my absence. Even though I paid a heavy price in leaving, I now know that when I was there, I made a difference. And you can’t put a price on that.

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