I am a firm believer in giving a man his freedom and seeing what he does with it – and letting his character show through. That’s how you know what kind of man you have.
I’ve never been a big believer in ultimatums. After my now-ex-husband proposed to me, a couple of women I worked with who had been dating their boyfriends for a while asked me, “How did you get him to propose?”
My response was, “Huh, what?!? How did I get him to propose?” As if I somehow manipulated him into it and it wasn’t something he would ever consider doing on his own. Apparently, they were both considering giving their boyfriends ultimatums to become engaged.
Interestingly, my boyfriend and I had reached a crossroads in our relationship at the time. I wanted more, and he, being a few years younger than me, wasn’t sure he was ready for the commitment of marriage. I perfectly understood that, and couldn’t blame him, so I wasn’t going to try to pressure him into a commitment (giving him an ultimatum never entered my mind).
He knew how I felt, I knew how he felt, and we both knew that our relationship may not last much longer. I was willing to give it up and have us go our separate ways rather than pressure him into something he didn’t want.
In other words, I gave him his freedom. And unbeknownst to me, he took that freedom and planned the loveliest fairy tale engagement I have ever heard of by anyone, which turned out to be a complete and utter surprise to me.
It was around the time of my birthday in January, and I decided what I wanted was a nice dinner downtown at a fancy restaurant. So we got dressed up, drove downtown and had our dinner. Then he surprised me by taking us to a fancy hotel for drinks, one with a revolving rooftop bar that overlooked the city. As we were admiring the view, he said we had to be downstairs at a certain time. When we got there, I found that he had hired a horse and carriage, something I had never experienced before, or since. Even with that I had no clue, I thought it was just part of my birthday present.
It was during the carriage ride that he proposed to me. Needless to say, I was a blubbering idiot. Here I thought it was likely our last nice evening together before we broke up, and we ended up engaged. It was the happiest moment of my life. I can’t help but think that if I had tried to pressure him to commit, he would have resisted and our story would have ended differently.
Give a man his freedom and let his character show through. My ex-husband, though he is now my ex, was and is a very good man, and still has my respect. Even though our marriage didn’t work out, it wasn’t because of a lack of character.
I believe a man should be allowed to choose his own path and make his own choices. How else do you know what kind of man you have unless you let him be who he is instead of “forcing” him be the person you think he should be? I know my ex-husband appreciated the fact that I didn’t try to force him to commit. He appreciated that I left the decision up to him. And he rose to the occasion in a very big way.
Perhaps a more common example of giving a man his freedom concerns his “guy time.” When your man is out with his friends, can you trust him? Do you know what he’s doing? Do you need to keep tabs on him?
And what if you’re just dating? Do you know if he’s dating other people while he’s spending time with you? You don’t want to give him the third degree concerning his whereabouts, but the clues are there. Trust your instincts about whether you can trust him or not. Is he forthcoming with information about how he spends his time? He’s not required to tell you his schedule, but if he seems secretive or guarded and won’t answer your questions, you might justifiably wonder.
Instead of holding onto a man tightly and trying to control him, give him his freedom and see what he does. I would rather know I have a man I can inherently trust, than wonder how long my control over him will last. The cream either rises to the top…or it doesn’t. Either way, you’re better off knowing.
If you liked this post, please share it, like it, or comment on it.
you did force him . he didn’t want to lose you, even though he wasn’t ready for a commitment he knew he had to propose to keep you.
I disagree with Dusiedo. In a partnership, when the two people want different things, they might compromise, or one person gives in, or they may separate. And it’s all OK. The author didn’t try to manipulate the guy, or give him an ultimatum, or any of that garbage. She was just honest, and gave him a chance to make his own decision. He had to honestly evaluate what was best for him and make a choice. It seemed to me, whatever choice he made, she would have no hard feelings against him.
The reality is that if she wanted marriage, she had the right to go for it, and if he couldn’t give her that, that’s fine, she can move on, no hard feelings.
I am in a similar situation, I was dating a guy who decided he wants more kids – I can’t give those to him, so we broke up. Am I angry at him that he broke up an otherwise wonderful, loving, vibrant relationship? No. I am sorry that our life paths diverged but ultimately he knows what he needs and he is free to make choices based on that. I have no hard feelings towards him.
I just done that this morning. I love this man like I’ve never loved before, and I am 48. He lost his job in Chicago and now he’s looking elsewhere. He wants to stay in the same industry because they offer an exceptional pension plan, and there are no similar jobs in the area. He wants to go back to California. He lived there for many years and now he misses the ocean and the life by the beach. All his job searches aim the West.
Last week I kinda proposed to him. In a text. I know. It’s stupid, but I did. I asked him to stay with me and my kids, his family who also lives in the Chicago. Of course he didn’t say anything. We spoke on the phone later in the evening as nothing happened. There is an elephant in the room but he doesn’t want to address it. It’s painful. I know he loves me, too. He’s proved it to me many times. But all that magic we started with is gone, and although he tells me each day he loves me, he is holding back. Pushing me away, little by little, preparing us both for the inevitable.
So this morning, I texted again and I told him I stop fighting him, although I never did, perse. I just tried to keep the hope alive, refused to see that we are dying, as a couple. I told him I’ll leave it all to the universe and him. That I see the world when I look at him, that I am at home when I think at him, that I am whole when I am with him, but that despite all that I set myself ready to see him going. It’s the supreme proof of love, I think.
I don’t think he’ll stay. And I don’t think we’ll have a happy end story.
I am at peace. I’ve done everything I could. I fought to keep this relationship alive while he started pushing me away as soon as he lost his job. I don’t care about his financial status, but he does. I can’t blame him for that.
He’s free.
Even though my boyfriend give me mix signal but am I still gave him his freedom because I know it is a healthy way to for a relationship. Man feel what they had in their relationship so the freedom for them is needs to be reassure if their in the right one. That is why they distance themselves even if they don’t want to and we woman need to respect their freedom. If a guy have boundaries respect them. Every relationship have up and down and I myself know that I am confident and know my worth in every direction of my relationship and I don’t complain nor neg about it because their is so much more for me in this life ahead of me. My relationship may not be perfect but I really know who I am and what I want my decision base on how I handle myself in a positive way as a woman.