Relationships can be difficult even in the best of times, but if you know your partner’s love language (and understand your own), you’ll have a better understanding of what makes each of you “tick.”
After I read “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman, I understood my failed marriage much better than I had. My husband and I were not speaking the same love language, nor did we realize what the other’s love language was. Had we known, we would have understood each other better. It likely would not have saved our marriage, since there were other variables, but it’s better to understand your relationship when you’re in it than after it is over.
Before we separated, I had no idea whether he loved me or not. He didn’t say it, he didn’t show it, at least not in a language I understood. I didn’t find out until we were in therapy that he did in fact still love me. But that’s what it took. I realize now that he WAS showing it; I just wasn’t translating it.
The five love languages are Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch.
Words of Affirmation are words of love and encouragement. Partners are more apt to respond when you thank them for the good things they do rather than nag at them for what they are not doing, or are doing “wrong.”
Quality Time is just what it sounds like, spending good time with each other without distractions (having “date nights,” undistracted conversations). A partner to whom this is important would rather have your time than your money, if the pursuit of “getting-ahead” consumes all your time.
Receiving Gifts will be explained below, as will Acts of Service. And Physical Touch speaks for itself, though it doesn’t just refer to what you think it refers to, but also the bonding brought by holding hands and hugging.
I didn’t realize until too late that his love language is Acts of Service. So all the time when he was doing things around the house, he was doing them FOR ME, to show that he loved me. I thought he was doing them because they needed to be done. I appreciated all he did for us, but I had no idea it was his way of showing love. So when he built a shelving unit in the basement, it was not only functional, but a way to make my life easier – it was a show of love. I did not understand that until years after we were divorced.
I think my love language is Receiving Gifts. Not meaningless gifts, but gifts from the heart.
He once spent many hours making me a beautiful picture of a hummingbird, all made out of wood. I still have it hanging on my wall, because it reminds me that someone once loved me enough to spend hours making such a gift for me. To me, THAT is a true show of love, and that is why I treasure it still.
I am not generally materialistic or one who goes looking for expensive gifts from her man. But one thing that always hurt me in our marriage was that while he would buy me flowers, they were always the cheap grocery store kind. They were lovely, and he would buy them for no reason, and I did appreciate them, but he would never buy me flowers for Valentine’s Day. They were too expensive and it was a “made-up holiday,” he said. And that hurt.
While other women were getting bouquets of red roses at work, I knew I would never be one of them. When I was in the hospital after having our son, he bought me a beautiful bouquet of pink roses. And as lovely as they were, and as thoughtful as it was, I remember thinking, “What on earth do I have to do to deserve a dozen red roses?” As unreasonable as it sounds, this meant something to me. It was the thought behind it I was looking for. He was adamant about not spending that much money. And I was made to feel that I didn’t deserve them, and I felt that reflected on me as a wife. I knew then, and I know now, that it was the wrong way to look at it and that I was being unreasonable and selfish; but it still hurts that, in my mind, he never considered me worthy enough. And of course he would be clueless as to my interpretation. That’s the type of disconnect that can only be bridged by communication.
Later in life when I DID finally receive a dozen red roses, the occasion, and the giver, meant nothing. It was someone trying too hard to impress me. He didn’t really care about me. It wasn’t so much the flower itself, and certainly not the money spent that I was looking for; it was the sentiment behind it, the validation that I, too, like other women, was worthy of receiving a dozen red roses. It was the sense of worth I needed (which, I know, brings up other issues, but that’s for another time).
My husband and I were speaking two different love languages and our relationship got lost in translation. When I look back, I realize he needed Quality Time that I wasn’t giving him. And, as much as it pains me to admit it, I was selfish then, and that didn’t help matters. I only hope I have learned to be more selfless now.
If you are in a relationship, contemplating getting into one, or still trying to understand why one failed, I highly recommend reading this book. It helped me understand my relationship much better than I did, and hopefully gave me the knowledge to forge a more successful relationship in the future.
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Hope & Relevance 