“Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” — Unknown
A friend of mine asked me to write about forgiveness — or rather, unforgiveness. The situation she faced in her life is a painful one faced by many — her husband cheated on her with one of her good friends. She eventually forgave her husband; she can’t forgive her friend, and she’s struggling with that.
On some level, we are not necessarily surprised when spouses cheat. But we expect our good friends to have our back no matter what. We expect them to stick by us through thick and thin, not betray us in the worst way possible.
When I have had to forgive someone close to me, it helped to tell myself that they did the best they could with who they were and what they knew at the time. And I think that’s generally true. People act based on their beliefs, heavily influenced by the way they were brought up. If you know something about a person’s past, you can see it shaping their decisions, whether for good or ill, whether reasonable or irrational. It allows some understanding about why they do what they do, and that does help.
I have been able to forgive the people who have hurt me using this concept. I’m not saying it was easy, and it took time, but I also remind myself of the quote at the beginning of this post — that holding onto anger only hurts ourselves. By internalizing our negative thoughts, we don’t hurt the other person at all; we hurt our bodies, our minds, our psyches. At the end of the day, all those bad feelings don’t transfer to the person you’re mad at — in fact they may not even be aware of them — they stay inside you, damaging only you.
The other person will have to come to terms with their actions and find a way to live with what they’ve done. That’s not your job. All you have to do is find a way to forgive — not for their sake so much, but for yours.
Sometimes it’s easier to forgive others than it is to forgive ourselves. I rarely cut myself the same slack I’m willing to cut someone else. It took me several years before I could forgive myself for decisions I had made that I deemed “major mistakes.” But what I have come to learn is that there is no right or wrong; only choices. I had to repeat (and I mean repeat) to myself many times over that I, too, did the best I could with who I was and what I knew at the time.
I have found that to accept a difficult situation, it helps to look for the silver lining. There is always something good that comes out of something bad, even if what we learn is painful at the time.
In the case of my friend, she is remarried to a man who is a much better match for her, and they are very happy. That would not have occurred had her friend not cheated with her husband.
Forgive the person who hurt you for YOUR sake, not theirs; it doesn’t mean you are saying what they did was okay, or that you will forget, or that you’re giving them a free pass; it just means you understand they made a poor decision that hurt you, you realize they are human and make mistakes (like we all do), and that nothing is to be gained from staying angry.
You can choose your friends, and choose to cut out of your life friends who have hurt you. Not so with family; you are stuck with them.
As we in the U.S. embark on our Thanksgiving and holiday season, for those who have strained relationships with one or more family members, it may help to repeat my mantra to yourself: “They did the best they could with who they were and what they knew at the time.” Maybe it will help you to be more tolerant and understanding this holiday season.
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Hope & Relevance 